©a really long time ago by Donna Cunningham, MSW
A contributor to one of the boards on ElsaElsa.com posted this excerpt from my out-of-print book, Moon Signs, The Key to Your Inner Life (Ballantine Books, 1998). I’d completely forgotten about it, but enjoyed it enough to want to share it with you. We could all use a laugh about now.
Vivacious, sexy, dynamic athlete, modest, too, looking for liaison with open-minded, admiring partner. I’ll be the best you ever had. Enclose measurements. Reply to ARMO.
Stable, practical, sensual individual seeks well grounded, earthy mate for the kind of marriage Mom and Dad had. Love food, kids, bargains. Enclose credit scores. Reply to TAMO.
Evanescently brilliant, funny, youthful androgyne wants relationship with three or four really clever people. Communication paramount. Enclose sample witticisms. Reply to GEMO.
Tired of modern relationships? Old-fashioned, home-loving, sensitive, caring, gourmet cook wants to put down roots, start family. Seeking mutually nurturing connection. Enclose family photos. Reply to CNMO.
Lucky you! Regal, glamorous, hedonistic lion available for the romance of your life, possible denful of cubs. You must be loyal, obedient, and appreciative or I’m back on the prowl. Enclose stamped envelope for autographed photo. Reply to LEMO.
Industrious, capable, helpful individual seeks faithful, disease-free mate. Other flaws no barrier – I’ll help you to reform. Details by mail; this is costing me. Enclose lab results. Reply to VIMO.
Yearning for amour? Romantic, refined, eloquent lover wants to make you happy beyond your wildest dreams. Needs your total devotion in return, but if you can’t, I’ll understand. Enclose diamond. Reply to LIMO.
Deep, passionate, intense, perceptive person after monogamous relationship, lifelong or beyond. Respond if you need me to put your life back together – no problem too difficult. Reply to SCMO.
Just passing through, but let’s get together. Bright, wise, well-read philosopher, witty and upbeat, wishes to expand horizons of companion/disciple. Reply to SGMO.
You probably won’t answer this, but at least I tried. Educated, ambitious, reliable professional seeks permanent legal commitment with qualified party. Enclose curriculum vitae. Reply to CPMO.
Thoroughly independent, unique genius, politically correct, computer-literate wants friend/lover for ennervating connection. I need lots of space. Enclose FBI file. Reply to AQMO.
Are you my soul mate? Creative, compassionate, whimsical, spiritual Being, a bit worse for the wear, seeks mystical union with similar. Your age, race, marital status, gender, or drug of choice doesn’t matter. Enclose dreams. Reply to PIMO.
More Astrological Humor on Skwyriter:
- An Improbable Best-Seller List: Self-Help Books for all 12 Signs
- Spotlight on Leo—a Tale of three Queens
- The Astrologer with a Magic Lamp
- What’s So Rare as a Day in June? You tell me!
- Maya Calendar Jokes: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the End of the World
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