English for Astrologers–No Astrobabble Please

 ©4-7-10 by Donna Cunningham, MSW

Note: The following is an excerpt from Donna Cunningham’s ebook, Counseling Principles for Astrologers, available  from moonmavenpublications.com

I once asked a new client if she’d ever had a chart done before. She said, “Well, I went to this guy, and he­ wasn’t talking to ME at all! I couldn’t understand a word he ­said. I could tell that he enjoyed it, and that he thought it was a good reading. But he wasn’t talking to me at all.”

No doubt, the astrologer believed he was communicating­ especially fluently that day. However, long strings of­ astrological jargon like quincunx, trine, solar arc, retrograde­ and t-square are not communication, they are obfuscation. ­Astrobabble creates unnecessary mystification and anxiety.­ Inundated with meaningless terms, all clients have to go on is ­tone of voice and facial expression, which they may well interpret as ominous.

If we frown in concentration, they may­ conclude things look bad for them. Our first responsibility during a reading is to make sure clients understand us. Only­ through meaningful dialogue can we help them gain a new ­perspective on their lives.

We easily forget how confusing astrological terms were to us ­in the beginning. It’s hard for us to imagine how bewildering it ­is for clients when we speak astrobabble. It struck me that it­ would be fun to substitute unfamiliar and irrelevant terms for ­our jargon and then to read astrologers’ charts using those terms. That way, they can have a fresh experience of how it feels ­when they bombard clients with jargon.

I found some delightful words in Webster’s Dictionary and have dubbed them over the astrobabble. They are perfectly good English words,­ but the meanings assigned to them are arbitrary, for­ demonstration purposes only. We’ll call this Neo-Astrologese. Imagine that you go for a consultation, and the astrologer says:

“You’re worried about your job? I’d say you have cause to worry. Saturn is hoovering your Palanquin–wambles it from the 6^th. It’s holophrastic still, but in December the frenzel is huffish. In January, Saturn goes planetesimal,still wamble the Palanquin, and then it’s ratcheting until August. You’re not out of the woods until it flenzes and makes that final wamble in about November of next year.”

That was difficult to understand, wasn’t it? Not difficult­ enough, however. Words like Saturn, Mars, and Pluto have reams of­ meaning to us that the layperson can’t begin to fathom. When a ­lay person hears the word Saturn, it means virtually nothing, whereas astrologers have written whole books about Saturn. Therefore, let’s switch terms again, so your mind doesn’t have those associations to draw on.

Let’s call the Sun by its other name, SOL, and the planets­ by astronomical notations. Mercury is SOL1, and Venus is SOL2.­ The Moon, strictly speaking, is the satellite of the Earth (SOL3). Saturn is­ SOL6. Keep going, up to Neptune, which would be SOL8, and Pluto,­ which would be SOL9.

Now, let’s try again. To more nearly re-create the client’s ­anguish, first work yourself into a total funk about your future. Then, have someone read the following paragraph aloud, with­ appropriate head shaking and frowning, while you sit squirming, with sweaty palms and a dull ache of dread in the pit of your stomach:

 “Well, the problem in your relationships stems from that endarch between SOL2 and SOL7 in your 7^th house. Of course, the dihedryl from SOL6 doesn’t help either. Now, SOL9 is rostellating your Bicuspid, on top of everything else. It’s not huffish yet, won’t be until this summer. Before that it double ratchets and forms another condyl to SOL5, so that should help some.”

It sounds awesome and terrible, doesn’t it? All these incomprehensible and apparently not very friendly alien forces­ are messing with your life, and there’s nothing you can do about ­them. No doubt, you wish you’d never come for the appointment. At least beforehand ­you didn’t know there was all this double-ratcheting and­ hoovering going on. Like you needed something more to worry­ about!

Readers, are you guilty of speaking Astrobabble to complete strangers?  Are you so addicted to astrology that you can’t communicate without reference to signs and aspects?  Find out just how bad it is by taking  The Astrobabble Quiz, Joyce Mason’s hilarious take on the topic at The Radical Virgo.

Note: This has been an excerpt from Donna Cunningham’s ebook, Counseling Principles for Astrologers, available  from moonmavenpublications.com.  Donna’s ebooks are $15 or 3 for $35.

More Excerpts from Donna’s Books:

• Full Houses vs. Empty Houses in your Chart—What to Expect
• Career Differences between the 10th, 2nd, and 6th House
• Four Kinds of Smart–Which One Are You?
• Donna Cunningham Introduces The Stellium Tool Kit
• Hyperactive Jupiter Syndrome—The Down Side of an Upbeat Planet
• Getting a Grip on Saturn-Neptune Aspects
• Mars Mission 2: Anger—the Guard Dog of Denial