Posted by: Donna Cunningham | December 29, 2009

7 Ways to Build Trust in a Relationship

(c)December 16, 2009 by guest blogger,  Jonathan Marcus

Donna says: Saturn’s passage through Libra heralds a pressing need to build solid, mature relationships.  I encountered Jonathan’s work through one of those lists of possibly related posts that Google generates at the bottom of a blog.  His bio doesn’t tell much about him, but his URL,, and the topics of his many wise posts about love tell us reams about the path he’s been on.  I was well-impressed by his wise, gentle counsel on how to create relationships that can endure. Here’s his advice on building trust:

 Do you know these 7 concrete ways to build trust in a relationship?  Often, what really makes a relationship work are not the things we think of first.  For instance, do you think you always need to spice things up?  Wrong!  Predictability is more important than variety in a relationship.  The following seven methods are guaranteed to grow your connection by improving the level of trust in a relationship.

 First, as I mentioned in the opening paragraph, you need to be predictable.  This goes against the common notion that you need to “stir things up” to keep the romance alive. 

 Sure, going to a new restaurant or giving a surprise gift can be nice, but most of all, we need things to be consistent and steady in order to make our relationships work.  Consider that trust in a relationship is built on being reliable day in and day out.

Next, you need to make sure that your words always match the message.  This means that your partner needs to hear the words which match your body language. 

 If you say you are happy but you are frowning, your partner doesn’t hear your words, he or she sees your face and the tone in your voice. Your parter needs to be able to trust what you are saying.  When the words match the message, you build trust in a relationship.

Third, you need to have a fundamental belief in your partner’s competency.  If you don’t you won’t have the trust in a relationship that you need.  When lovingly communicated, the truth is never destructive.  When you do not believe that your partner is competent at some things (or indeed, anything), you violate the trust in a relationship. 

Fourth: Don’t keep secrets.  Secrets destroy the trust in a relationship.  Be honest and open.  Assume everything you know will eventually come out.  Secrets require enormous energy on your part.  That is energy that could be going into building the relationship. 

Fifth, don’t be afraid to let your partner know what your needs are.  Don’ t make him or her guess what you need.  Let them know.  It is okay to be self-centered as long as you are not selfish.  Indeed, if you are reluctant to assert your needs, you may go overboard in the opposite direction and smother your partner.

Sixth, learn to say no.  When your partner voices his or her needs, that is a good thing.  But you don’t need to say yes to everything.  A partner cannot respect you if you never say no.  Refusing to be subjugated to the other person’s will actually builds trust in a relationship.

 Finally, always pursue growth.  When you plant a flower, you begin by digging in the dirt.  Digging in the dirt of our relationships can sometimes cause pain.  But, through that pain, we prepare the soil for future growth.  Don’t be afraid of turmoil, crisis, or questions.  These become the fertilizer for growth and change.  Embrace what is difficult. 

 When you decide to work on trust in a relationship, you are bound to encounter a little pain.  But, as you work through this pain, you will not only become stronger as an individual, you will also strengthen your coupledom.

Donna Says:  This is one of  Jonathan Marcus’ many posts about relationships that are off the rails.  If you like where he’s coming from, you’ll find a wealth of other articles at:

For more Articles on Relationship Issues on Skywriter, see the category Relationship Help.

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  1. Beautiful article – put into words how I feel about my friendship with a man I am slowly getting to know.

    Yes, we have had some painful moments (digging the dirt) but the gentle nuturing is brining forth what I see as a beautiful friendship – the fertilization… (hoping that an other dosnt spread us with weed killer !!)

    • Cherish it, Carole, as it’s so worthwhile. When I lived in New York, I had as many smart, wise, funny male friends as female and it balanced me in some important ways, but it’s apparently less possible elsewhere. I miss it. Donna

  2. Astrologically I try to turn my oppositions into trines in how I act day-to-day. I think that’s my path to my next level of enlightenment.
    I think the oppositions are where I fail in my interpersonal attempts. First because of how I’ve been taught, but also because of how I am ‘wired’.

    So I’m going to take these steps and see where they correlate in my chart and see is that is an opposition-to-trine opportunity for me to examine.

    Thanks for the Article!

    • Interesting approach, EJ. Tell us what you find. Donna

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